Fork in the Road

If you are at a major crossroads in your life, deciding to make big changes, or are wanting to go to the next stage of your development,
'Fork in the Road' is a musical journey to support you through great transitions. Originally designed as ongoing support for individuals in recovery, this offering is a combination of music, meditations, education about the subtle body, sound healing and exercises for developing greater self- awareness and reflection.

It is my pleasure to offer this as an archive of my early expressive arts therapy study.

Enjoy


“The Fork in the Road” was offered as a therapeutic model of interactive ritual performance, lyric analysis, and ceremony of transition. This song cycle is a multi-disciplinary presentation of emotional healing and spiritual contemplation. It incorporates elements of music, story telling, guided meditation, sound and energetic medicine, visionary artwork, group prayer and ritual into a unique experience. ”The Fork in the Road” is a story of a souls journey through stages of alchemy, using the chakras as passageways as a map into a deeper level of integration of body, mind and spirit.


“The Fork in the Road” is a Rite of Passage, a threshold for individuals who, through this journey, examing ties from the past, heal the present, and transform their future. This journey guides the listener to step more fully into their expression of love, vibrancy, balance, and service.

It was created as my senior thesis in Music Therapy. I created the images as mandala paitnings as part of my internship, and reimagined them with Tessa Shields as the digital images here. I presented this program in 2008 as part of a mental health process. The music was recorded as a live ceremony in 2010 in Santa Cruz,
and offered as a ritual based Music Therapy program for addiction recovery between 2010-2013.

Enter the Portal Below

Chapter 1: Fork in the Road

Fork in the Road

She went driving in the dark
driving till she met the dawn
soon she came upon a fork
and could not decide which way to turn
she thought of staying to the left
the road more commonly abused
she saw the others reach their
destinations of a life confused
she knew that she had been there before
she knew she wanted something more
so she chose the road to the right
in hopes it would lead her to the light

she went down this road for miles 
before she saw a single soul
as she approached a man in white
she felt her heart start to enfold
this man was kneeling down in prayer
his arms raised high up to the skies
she stopped and asked herself to dare
stare into this strangers eyes
she knew that she had been there before
she knew by the instant repore
she went driving down the way
driving till she met the day

at last she came upon a fork
and could not decide which way to turn
the road less travelled brought her luck
dared her to see the lessons learned
she stared into this cross for hours
fearing this time she might get lost
but looked around her at the flowers
and thought 'hey, that might now be too bad'
she stared the fork straight in the face
she felt her heart begin to race
she saw her eyes light up from the sun
and she heard her heart say
'take the fork and run with it!'

Lyric analysis

Chapter 1: Fork in the Road

This first song, 'Fork in the Road' is the introduction to our hero's journey that we are going to walk together. It represents the foundational choice we all have to wake up from old patterns which have kept us not fully alive, not yet fully thriving and living at our fullest potential as humans on earth. 

We follow the story of the girl, 'driving in the dark', during a hard time, perhaps the dark night of the soul. She wen't 'driving towards the dawn', towards a feeling that life circumstances will again cycle into a new understanding, a new light, a new perspective. We have all had dark times, times where we come upon hard choices, times where we are faced with how we could be living more deeply connected to our truth and purpose. Sometimes those choices aren't clear cut and easy. Many times, major life choices have opposing needs and valuse which appear perhaps to be at odds with each other, and that tension can keep us stuck much longer than is comfortable. 

The girl comes upon a fork in the road, looking towards the left path, the path that she has taken many times before, the path of old habits, of old behaviors, of old addictions. The way that I envision this seciton is like a loop, that if we go down that path, if we try doing the same thing without making the real change we are yearning t make, we are going to come upon the same fork, the same dark night of the soul, over and over and over again until we finally just break the cycle and take the new direction. 

During the second verse, the girl travels for a while before ever encountering anyone. Often times, when we make big life changes, we may have to leave behind aspects of our self, even people who have been invloved in whatever patterns we are separating from. Sometimes this may be a lonely feeling, and often this fear of being alone keeps us from making the changes we wish to make. I know that it certainly has kept me back  in the past. It can be lonely at the edge of our personality constructs, and it can take alot of guts to be willing to learn how to feel connected even if we happen to be alone. 

Eventually the girl comes upon a man in white. Who is this? What does he represent to you? It could be the holy spirit, it could be someone from our past, it could be your higher self, it could be someone we've dreamed. In many moments, this character has represented all of these things to me. What I feel drawn to share is that this person ultimately represents someone who has ever shared something important with you. Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone and they said something that struck you? Maybe it was exactly what you needed to hear that day? It was a perfectly orchestrated moment fro the universe, and it felt like a message just for your heart? I love these synchronicities, and often when we are about to make big changes, or we are in the midst of making big changes in our lives, our entire world seems to changes, and the subtle changes happening in our mind and energy body create these moments as reminders that we are unfolding our perfect path towards wholeness.  Pay special attention to these moments.

For the girl in the story, this angel that she met on the road is a reminder that she is truly never alone. We are connected to all life in every moment, and as such there is nothing to fear as we tread this new path. 

At last she came upon another fork. This time, she knows that the fear from the past about making decisions is not truly what it seems. It is an illusion, a construct of our mind. A dream. And with this realization, she picks up the fork, and what once seemed to be two paths, join as one path, leading her into the dawn, into fully awakening from the dream of separation. That all along the path, even when it seems like uncharted territory, there are flowers all around her.

Practices

As I am writing this, I want to share that I am particularliy invested in us all transforming our pain, our minds, our emotions into the nectar of integrated healthy living. As such, the thing that feels most important to me is that we learn how to identify our pain, our patterns, and learn skills to completely rescript our operating system. One of the most valuable ways I have found, especially in the beginning of any process, is journaling. Journaling to unpack our stories and challanging emotions, thoughts and worldviews, as well as journaling to dream in our most beautiful life we can imagine- to use the power of our creative energy to generate that which we yearn to experience, and give away as an offering to others.

For this first chapter and song, we are laying the foundation of what we are working on, and laying a seed in our own mind of what we would like to dedicate this work to. Go out and get a special journal for this process, so that you can follow your progress and keep track of what you discover about your healing journey.

Get out your journal

1. Choose an area of your life that you would most like to work on: a pattern, an addiction, a belief, a general intention.- write about this- what is alive for you right now about this? what is the story? what is the struggle? what is the dream?

2. draw a line down a sheet of paper- write on the left side of the peice of paper- 'What am I ready to walk away from?'
for this part, write out all of the things in your life that are associated with this pattern that you would like to let go of. Maybe these are relationships, behaviors, particular emotional struggles, all the things that are no longer serving you. 

3. On the other side of the paper, write out all of the things you are walking towards- what do you imagne is down the line on the path of the unknown? What is the highest vision you have of yourself in a life where you have transformed that which has held you back?

This first practice is establishing the foundation. What you want. What you don't want. see it clearly. 

4. Now ask yourself- are you willing to do whatever it takes to change this pattern? What do you imagine will be the hardest part?

Chapter 2: Johnny’s March

I met a man today 
that I could swear i met once in a dream 
the things this man did say 
flowed through my veins and made it somehow seem 
that there is so much more 
to love and light than this life could show 
and knowing this, i know embrace 
the grace in letting go 

I called out to the earth and sky 
to ground me and to keep my head up high 
I called out to the winds 
to stir the starting of the gentle fire 
I called out to the sea 
to sing a soothing song for me 
as crashing waves broke the chains 
of pain in my memory 

I sat me there beside the fire 
and stared into the oceans eyes 
she whispered me her secret desire 
of knowing what it was to fly 
in a flash she was in a crash 
her mist dissolved in a frenzied splash 
as the clouds came rolling in 

the fire crackled loud 
the pictures slowly melted all away 
the chemicals burned brighter than the 
brightest nights like fools we spent as days 
and like the wave, those days will live 
in the moment i chose to spread my wings 
and glide on the breath of the song 
of the oceans breeze

Lyrics Analysis

This, the second song on the journey, represent our sacral chakra. In this song cylce, It represents our connection to our creative energy as well as our emotions. In the last chapter, the man in white, a representation of a figure who comes as a guide in dreams, shares with the girl. He tells her to go to the ocean, and in her dream she travels there, to the deep waters of the unconscious, into the watery realms of her unprocessed emotions. In that moment of synchronicity, she it as a significant sign, she feels the rememberance of freedom, the taste of divinity in her veins, the winds within her moving. And so she travles towards the ocean.

In her dream, she casts a circle, calling to the sacred elements, calling to all aspects of the mortal realm, inviting herself into full presence with the journey. As she does this, she feels the elementals alive with her, and a deep sense of calm presence begins to set in. As she engages in union with the moment, she has the experience of the ocean spirit whispering to her of wanting to break free of the ties that bind to the past, and as she hears this sweet voice, she feels the waters of the sea crash, soothing the pain of her past. She watches as the mist from the water begin to rise, becoming the clouds. She is watching the waters transform form, and with this witnessing, realizes that her emotional waves can transform as well, lifting and becoming free as the ocean. Free as water falling into water.

With this sense, she offers the pictures of her past pain into the fire, times when she did not meet her own needs, times when her needs were unmet by others. times of addiction, times of trauma- whatever it is that has led her to this moment. she offers it all, spoken and unspoken, to the fires of transformation. With this, the dream is over, and she must continue on the voyage of discovering the deeper layers of what she is letting go through this mystical experience at the water. She awakes and is on the road, not yet at the ocean, but waking with the feeling of the winds of change upon her face.

Practices

With this song, we are beginning to look at uncovering and dismanteling the emotional habits that have kept us trapped in unconcious behavioral patters. 

1.On a peice of paper, journal everything that feels alive for you as something you are ready to let go of. What is it that is no longer serving you?  in the chapters to come, there will be much more to go into about these emotional processes with more specific writing assignments. enjoy this one without much structure. Allow yourself to tap into whatever wants to flow out from you right now regarding the change you are wanting to make.

2. when you have done some writing, make a special time to make a special fire and burn the sheet. As you are burning it, pay special attention to how it feels in your body to have these emotions transform. What are they transforming into? What is this making space for?

3. After you have done an initial journal and burning session, I invite you to take a deeper look at your emotions. Come and get familiar with this list of emotions. As we are becoming gaurdians of more activated and awakened energies, we are developing our own capacity for understanding the primary emotions. Our emotional literacy is a hugely developing aspect of our evolution. One way to become literate, and this is an assignment for those of you who want to get into all the cracks of your psyche- is to journal through all of the emotions on this sheet.

Emotions (second page of the two)
 

- Read all the emotions on the sheet.

- journal: about each emotion- when was the last time you felt this way? when was the earliest you can remember feeling this way?

- journal: when you feel this way, what happens in your body? are there sensations? are there places that feel tighter?

- journal: which emotions do you tend to feel most often?

Oi! What to do with all these emotions! Writing about them can often envoke them, so if you are finding you are having uncomfortable emotions triggered by writing about them, this is good! It means they are purifying, finding a way to be expressed. You are shining a light on parts of you that have been stuck back in the corners of your mind- its time for a good spring cleaning, yeah? Keep writing. More info coming on how to work with them :) keep going, you are doing great.

Chapter 3: The Wall

I am climbing on the wall 
Hoping, praying I won’t fall 
Facing west into my past 
Wondering where it went so fast 
Its been a long road to here 
I saw the picture crystal clear 
But as I ran fast towards it all 
I was halted by the wall 

I am sitting on the fence 
Of chain linked lesions in suspense 
Future untold to the east 
Of pictures yet to be release 
I see the long road to ahead 
And though I meant every word I said 
While I hold onto my laments 
Ill chase my dreams from behind the fence 

Sundown 
Darkness caresses the skies 
And oh the sound 
Of stars resound in my eye 
As I’m raised above the ground 
My only question here is why? 
Have I the will to break walls down 
Or will this life just pass me by? 

I am writing on the wall 
Knowing well why I still stall 
And as I wait for suns to rise 
I silently say my goodbyes 
I see the long road behind 
I see the long road to come 
And if I am to rise with the tides 
I must come down 
I must go on 
I must look up 
Embrace the dawn 
Enjoy this life 
And always remember to hum 
Hmmmmmm

Lyric Analysis

This song occurs in the part of the story where the girl has been walking along the new path for a while. She had the dream about what the man told her, to go forth to the ocean, to let go of the pain of the past. As she is walking for a minute on this road, she comes upon a wall. The great obstacle.

This song falls into place as the third song, the 3rd chakra, the solar plexus. This center is associated with our source of power. Clinically this area of our body is an area where we store unprocesses emotions. We learn from a young age to stuff our emotions, and breathe shallowly as a way to feel less. When we restrict our breathing, our breath does not utilize as much of our diaphragm, and as such we feel less of whats going on.

As such, when we are young children we form beliefs, worldviews, ideas about our experience that can inhibit us from being fully alive, and activated with the breath of life. When we dicide to make huge changes in our life, we will surely come into contact with any and all of these unprocessed beliefs, stories, emotions that have been stored for countless years.

In the song, before being able to move forward, the girl sits ontop of the wall, looking at both the past and future, unable to fully be present in the moment. She see's the wall she is on, the obstacle o her destiny pah, built brick by brick of unhealed pains.

Practice

Journaling:

-what do you imagine are the bricks of your wall? What are your biggest obstacles? what beliefs do you have about the past, the fututre that keep you breathing shallow? Draw a picture of a wall with many bricks. In each brick, put one word, one story that you imagine is not yet fully processed, that has been holding you back. What are the biggest things alive for you as you are making change? What is maing it difficult?

- once you have filled out each of the bricks, and written about your own wall, destroy it! find a drum, and giant pot, a big noise maker, and make a ruccous! have a moment of ceremonail sound making and visualize that sound bursting through each brick one by one, until there is nothin in your path. repeat as often as necessary :0

5 Element Healing Practice

Worksheet

In  the above worksheet, you will find a journaling protocol for connecting to another layer of the emotional process through journaling the 5 elements of chinese medicine, and their associated emotional states/ patterns. 

Chapter 4: Savor The Moon

Savor the moon 
As it slow dances upon your cheek 
Sweet flavor illuminated 
By still lips that don’t 
Dare speak to soon 
Words could never paint your face 
The way these lunebeams do 
A sight that my mind can’t erase 

A light pours down like rain 
Sounding on your skin like a 
Spellbound symphony 
Music too pure to write down by hand 
But oh, how it rings 
Like a bell heard from across the land 
And oh how it seems 
Though this night may not come to an end 

If I were the wind 
I would blow all my kisses your way 
And you would contend 
With a silence that you will not break 
but I will pretend 
that your listlessness will not forsake 
and I’ll savor the moon 
and prepare myself for the dawns uptake

Lyrics Analysis

For this part of the journey, the girl has been walking this path, it is still the night, but she see's the moon, the reflection and the distillation of the beauty of the past. She is in a period of mourning the unmet expectations of her heart, the longings, and offering them to the world. In the picture, you will see a heart with a music note inside. I call this shape the heart song. to me, it represents the part of each of us that is a unique expression of cosmic union through light and sound. We each have a song to sing, our heart song, and sometimes that heart song must first let go of the song of the past in order to recieve the keys of the future.

This song is about letting go of unrequited love, of unmet yearnings. to create space to cherish them, to mourn them in an expansive way, in a way where we creat spaciousness around the exprience in order to transform and distil the gifts and wisdoms of our hearts experiences.

The following worksheet is a sheet used in the compassionate communication training. It is a list of human needs and values. 

Universal Needs and Values

Practice:

Choose the 10 hardest stories that weigh on your heart. Go through the list of 'needs and values' and see which need and value is not being met by the hard experience. As you have already been becoming familiar with the emotions, and how they work with the organ systems of your body, that emotional intelligence will start to inform the cultivation of needs and values. These needs or longings are considered very precious, like jewels of our humanity. If we can begin to identify what needs and values are being met or unmet in a given situation, we generate a spaciousness about the experience of it being unment and can begin to heal our heart.

Journal: 
-what is my heart song?

-what is my unique expression?

-What unmet expectations am I holding onto in my heart?

-What might it be like if these longings were pacified, these desires satisfied? How would the song of my heart change?

-what would it take for me to life fully from my heart? What does that mean to me?

-What needs and values do I have that are not being met?

Chapter 5: Word Bath

Word bath 
My skin is layered with regrets and confusion 
Dry and caked with self-loathing illusion 
Profusely deluded, 
I step into the awakening waters of a word bath Submerging myself in the soothing warmth 
of cleverly crafted concoctions 
of redeeming proportions 
Self-contained in notions 
Capturing with lettered lassos 
my undiscovered emotions. 
Through hoops of spiraling and spirited motives Resourcefully intended to emotively motivate me 
To contemplate and concentrate 
I elevate to new levels of creativity 
Out of needled pens, 
threads of ink link scattered thoughts 
Just on the brink of being realized 
Sowing together the loose ends 
of my forgotten serenity 
Did I mean sanity? 
Maybe it was the clarity of the sound waves 
Drawing out vibratory constellations 
Aligning within my mind the stars that I have been Consciously, and unconsciously 
Projecting outwards into the skies 
Painting hopelessly into wandering lover’s eyes 
Only now beginning to hear the reverberations 
Of their misleading lies 
In the development of the minds eye’s internal structure A foundation for the forming of the 
highest rises still to come 
These electromagnetic bowties 
decorate the lights formally channeled pathways 
Into the fanciest elaborations of her spirit 
Nameless to those who seek to contain her with words She spins the web of silken song 
Through which unseen magic travels along 
Clearly defined lines, 
limericks and rhymes 
Predesigned microchips of ancient wisdoms signs 
These symbolic seeds of sacred sound 
Planted into the womb of my imagination 
Patiently wait as I become the ground 
From which they will soon 
sprout their profound flowers of 
Illumination 
And as the jewel of the lotus unfurls infinitely inward 
I am nourished by the cleansing waters 
of courageous poets obsessions 
Who continue to track the evolution 
of earths symphonic progression 
The legacy of moonlit nights’ 
illuminating breathtaking beauty 
Is refining itself slowly 
Clearing way of laden songs 
Sung to mend the wounds of my empty heart 
Still echoing the cries 
of her unrequited love 

Ahh…… such calming waters

Analysis and Practice

At this juncture of the journey, the heart has found its heart song, its hearts expression, the key to the unfolding and wisom distillation. In my own journey, I wrote this poem, one of many which helped to unpack and integrate through words, speech and prose the process I had been exploring. I had been mostly focused on  healing heart pain, and allowing the practice of creative writing to wash over my consciousness as a way to ease this ache.

When I think of the girl on a journey, I imagine her just after singing her heart song to the full moon. As the moon is setting, and she is reflecting on the journey thus far, she is able for the first time put into words and understand the way her speech had been crafting her experience. At this point, she took the power of her own speech and words into account, and began practicing shifting her speech paradigm.

Some of the ways I have found extremely useful in shifting my own speech paradigm have been to consider several approaches. I have found these practices to help with all of my relationships, and anchor into a deeper truth and expression than I had felt before. 

One of these practices is that I considered the following worksheet

 Evaluations Masquerading as Feelings

I also began making a practice of speaking in a way that was

Truthful

Kind

Necessary

In a way that brought people together

It began a process of seeing every word I spoke as a magic seed that planted in my own consciousness, spinning out the world I was seeing. If i didn't like what I was seeing, It was likely due to something I was saying (through my words to others, through my thoughts to my self, and through my actions). Body speech and mind became a huge focus, and through this, worlds shifted.

More to come about this precious throat chakra, and coming into the beauty of our speech!

Journaling considerations:

What is my unique heart song?

What is my unique truth?

What is holding me back from speaking in my truth?

Am I afraid to share certain things with people? why?

how have I manipulated speech in the past? What was the outcome? How did it feel?

Chapter 6: Voices

Spend some time toning along with the voices in this track. consider all of your answers to the previous chapters, and imagine they are integrating in your being, as you open your minds eye to see the path shape itself before you.

The road is clear
Where does it lead you now?

What vision is my voice leading me to?
How am I calling the vision forward with my song?
How can my voice lead me deeper into the vision of soul that I carry?

Chapter 7: Sound Of The Song

I’ve been walking this line 
So divided by time I have sworn up and down 
That the middle is just fine 
But once I break even 
I wreck something new 
I’m never that centered 
But neither are you 

You are fickle and false 
And ferociously free 
You come like a current 
Who’s riding on me 
But when I try to surf you 
The swell always wins 
And I’m always paddling 
out with the wind 

So ill walk along seconds 
One step at a time 
Staring straight forward 
To read all the signs 
Ready to set 
And get going along 
As I center myself 
In the sound of the song

Journal

- How do I find center?
- What is the choice-less choice now?
- What am I connected to?
- With my gaze upon the horizon, what do i see, feel, know now about the threshold I am crossing? What have I let go of? What have I accepted?

Chapter 8: Fires Of Love

We each have a song to sing 
we each have a rhyme to ring 
in the everlasting sounds of creation 
we each have a note to play 
we each have our line to lay 
down in the symphony of conscious expansion 
we are the music of the spheres 
we are the life of all these years 
we can relinquish fears and forge on through the dark 
let your music be your light 
let loves rhythm be your sight 
as it ignites in you the fires from which you spark 
the fires of love are burning strong! 

There was a story of a flame
who didn't know LOVE was her name 
she wondered why she was damned to live alone 
the sound of darkness filled the room 
unlike the comfort of the womb 
and whispered sounds of doom that she had never known 
she danced along as death unfurled 
and flared her light unto the void 
destroying everything created in her name 
once LOVE observed what death had done 
she tried to turn around and run 
but knew that running now would only be in vain 
so instead LOVE sang "the fires of love 
the fires of love are burning strong!" 

Come into the light
ignited from within 
and bring into waking sight 
the beauty that you dream 
come into the light 
become the flame you see 
the music that you write 
the consciousness you breathe 
come into the light 
and burn through all of your fears 
create your infinite design 
complete your circles with love 
come into the light 
and dance amongst the fire 
be warm amist this night 
for love will soon transpire 
let this music so inspire 
the fires of love are burning strong!

To All the Mythmakers:

The song “The Fires of Love” is intended to be an invitation for anyone to write a myth, or an expression about the eternal flame. The myth that I wrote is as follows:

“There was a story of a flame,

who didn’t know Love was her name,

she wondered why she was damned to live alone”

In this first stanza, I explore the myth of Love being the eternal flame. Love, as I have come to understand it, is the ultimate creation/creator, all things are one in love, in the light. As such, I explore here the idea of love being alone. Love as a ‘she’ is a reflection of myself, in my isolated experience of loneliness.

“The sounds of darkness filled the room

unlike the comfort of the womb

and whispered sounds of doom that she had never known”

The Sound of Darkness is both the sound of death, and the hissing sound that the darkness made when the light first woke up and spoiled the dark of its peace. Also, conceptually, if love is the ultimate everything, then the darkness is the purge of the fear of loneliness, and so all sounds are manifested by the flame itself, projected into the darkness, and are a mirror reflection of her own fears.

“She danced along as death unfurled,

and flared her light unto the void

destroying everything created in her name”

The darkness as “death” creates spaces within the flames manifestation. If Love is light, then death is what draws with the light, and their dance is the music of creation. Thus, death is always destroying any projection of light into the void, so that anything that love creates, death destroys, or separates into illusion.

“Once Love observed what death had done,

she tried to turn around and run

but knew that running now would only be in vain

so instead Love sang “the fires of love are burning strong!”

Love sees that death is destroying any creation of the light as a natural part of their romantic dance, and she suffers from the impermanence of their creation, wants to run away, but realizes there is nowhere to run because she is it, surrounded by the “darkness” which is just absence of light anyways. So running from her void is in vain because there is nothing to run from, so instead she sang that her fires are burning, accepting the impermanence, and singing into it. The image I get is a flame afraid to burn, but then saying “oh well,” burning and flaring, and allowing the darkness to purge through her song.

Project:

How would you write your creation myth?
What is your version of the 'Fires of Love'?

how do you envision the eternal heart song of creation?

What sets your soul on Fire?

Chapter 9: Peace Of Mind

Peace of mind 
Give me peace of mind 
It shouldn’t be too hard to find 
The missing piece of my mind 
I have searched high and low 
And I’ve never found the middle 
I’ve questioned everything 
For answers to the riddle 
And then the moment I stopped 
Staring at the question 
I found you 
And then I knew 
That it was Music! 
Music ringing in my ear 
Music I was longing to hear 
Music! 
Music everywhere! 
I hear the song of the sky 
I feel the rhyme of the rain 
And as the symphony of life sings by 
I can’t see why not do the same 
Ill write the wails on the wind 
And read the notes amongst the stars 
I feel vibrations from within 
And know salvation isn’t far 
So far I’ve always known 
That somehow I am so alone 
A fear that words have not defined 
But Music! 
Music is my peace of mind!

Journal

What brings me peace of mind?
Where are the places in my life where i feel most connected?
How do I embrace paradox in my perception?
What is needed now for integration?